Loki X Reader : Forged Anew - CH 36 Pt I

    My lungs were burning and I realized I couldn’t keep running any longer.  The garden was well behind me, anyway.  And since I didn’t hear Loki running after me, it was likely safe to bet that he wasn’t going to.  My feet skidded to a stop as I reached a main cross-roads into the city.  Lots of people were milling about, going about their daily errands and living their ordinary lives.  In this moment, I envied them that.  This recent bout of living in the limelight wasn’t quite as fun as I would have hoped it to be.
    A few people were looking at me, having seen my headlong dash from the palace grounds.  I did my best to pretend I had no idea why they’d find anything strange about that, smoothing tangled hair back into place.  I started walking, no direction in mind- just to keep moving.  I had to think about what I was going to do.  What I really should do is go back to the garden and demand some answers from the God of Mischief.  Easy to tell myself that; much harder to convince myself to do it.  The initial rush of embarrassment was starting to fade, but that didn’t mean I was eager for another round.  At least not until I figured out how I’d deal with this.  I needed to be alone to think.
    Perhaps if I got away from the city for a while… I thought hopefully, spotting the main stable of Asgard just down the street.  I could go for a ride this afternoon.
    My mind made up, I quickened my pace to enter the large building.  Inside, the smell of rough-hewn timber and horses filled my nose.  How long it had been since I was here last, I couldn’t say.  I hadn’t ventured anyplace so public while married to Danethar, too afraid someone might notice what I’d been trying to keep secret.  So at least four months.  As I looked around me, not much had changed in that time.  Young boys and girls scurried to and fro, arms laden with saddles or flakes of hay.  Older grooms were handling the horses for their waiting riders.  I went in search of someone who didn’t look too busy to inquire after a horse of my own.  Didn’t get far before a voice startled me from behind.
    “My Lady, please allow me to be of assistance to you in our establishment.”
    Well, perhaps Danethar wasn’t the only reason I’ve avoided this place, I reminded myself with an inward groan.  Somehow, I’d forgotten about Hearde, the insufferable stooge who ran the stables.  For the upper echelon in Asgard’s nobility, he was a favorite; I found him nauseating.  Likely because I had no use for his obsequious mannerisms and cloying attention.  To me, he always sounded like an ass-licking twerp who grated on my nerves.  But if I wanted a horse I had to play nice with him, so I pasted a smile on my face before turning around.  Hearde would hardly know the difference if it wasn’t genuine.
    “Hello, Hearde.  I hope you have a few mounts available for the day, as I was thinking to take a ride.”
    “Of course, of course.  We always reserve a few for walk-in requests.  Our preparedness is why the palace entrusts us with their most crucial needs.  Why just a few weeks ago, we leant two out to the Princes for an emergency journey to Jotunheim.”
    “Jotunheim,” I murmured, trying to recall where I’d heard it mentioned recently.  “I didn’t think anyone was allowed to enter the realm until year’s end.”
    “Well, this was a special circumstance, as you know.”
    I didn’t, actually.  Well, perhaps I did, but couldn’t remember the details.  Hearde saw my confusion and frowned.
    “But, surely you heard about the whole affair, didn’t you?  Everyone in the city has been abuzz for weeks, my Lady.  I’m shocked to hear you’ve heard nothing of it.”
    “Sorry, I haven’t any idea what you’re talking about.  What happened?”
    The man leaned forward with a furtive look, while I resisted the urge to back away.
    “I’m sure you’ve heard the stories about what that wretch, Danethar, did to his wife.  Well, he must have known he would be in trouble for it afterwards, and thought he could take refuge in the giants’ city.  But that’s where they found him in the end.  Gone a whole day and then some to do it.  Must have been a hard ride, but I’m proud to say we supplied the Princes with superior animals to accomplish their task among the Jotuns.”
    That’s where I heard talk of Jotunheim before, I thought.  Maddie mentioned it briefly when I spoke with her in the infirmary.  But she’d conveniently avoided mentioning who had gone to that realm to fetch him.  Something about the omission struck me odd, but I couldn’t quite place why.  In any case, a second thought hit me soon after that.  One almost as important, and quite possibly more helpful if handled the right way.
    He doesn’t know who I am, I realized.  If he did, he never would have said anything to my face about Danethar.  No one had said a word about him since I returned to the palace.  But for whatever reason, Hearde didn’t recognize me.  I supposed I didn’t look like a highborn lady as he might have expected from ‘Lady [Y/n]’ of the imperial palace.  So much the better for me that he was so easily fooled.  This was my opportunity to learn something; I took it.
    “I confess that I am surprised the Allfather allowed both of them to go.”
    “I get your meaning, Lady.  Trusting the Jotun to go into that realm is risky business, but from what I saw on their return, the Allfather had good reason to send him after the scoundrel.”
    “Oh?  What’s that?”
    The man leaned in even closer.
    “When they came back here to return the horses, he had that miserable excuse for an Asgardian warrior tied to the saddle- looked as though he’d dragged him the whole way.  Never saw anything like it in my life.”
    “And you say that wasn’t Thor, but…”
    “You might assume it would be, but Odinson’s only part in the venture was to ensure Laufeyson kept Danethar alive long enough for the hearing with the Allfather.”  Hearde took my silence for encouragement to go on.  “I wasn’t fortunate enough to be invited to that audience, but I know plenty who were.  They say it was quite the spectacle.”
    “Must not have been too exciting, since I’ve heard nothing of it,” I commented drily.  Not quite the truth, since Maddie had also mentioned Danethar’s subsequent trial before the Allfather.  But I was curious to hear what Hearde would have to say that she had not.  As predicted, the man was thoroughly scandalized that I knew nothing about the audience.
    “Truly, I know not how you could have been overlooked in hearing about the trial, but I’ll be most happy to provide you with what details I can.  I heard from several ladies who patronize this establishment that the Jotun threw Danethar down before the Allfather, and when the latter dared speak out about his treatment, he used brutal force to silence him.  The Allfather didn’t chastise him for it, either.”
    “And what did the ladies say of it,” I asked to cover my shock at his story.
    “From the way they spoke, I get the feeling they would have been glad to have seen more, if the Allfather hadn’t been keen to press on with the sentencing.  Quite unsettling, actually, to hear the tone in their voices when they spoke of what they hoped happened to that wretch.”
    “I suppose it’s possible for bloodlust to affect each of us, given the right circumstances.  But surely that desire was satisfied when they witnessed his execution.”
    “I’m afraid their imaginations will have to be enough on that score, as it was not open to the public.  I’m not sure that anyone would have truly wanted it to be, once the Allfather turned Danethar over to Laufeyson.”
    “Turned him over to…”
    “That’s right, Lady.  He requested to carry out the sentence, and the Allfather actually granted it.  Can you imagine?  Not that Danethar didn’t deserve it, but I shudder to think of the fate the Jotun planned for him.”
    Loki had executed Danethar.  But why?  Why had the Allfather chosen to include him in the search for- and execution of- my former husband?  I suspected it had something to do with whatever reason Loki had for pretending to be ‘Ilsa’ all this time.  Not that it helped any; I didn’t know why he’d been doing that, either.  My conversation with Hearde hadn’t provided me with enough answers, and had only made the puzzle even larger.  All the more reason I should get out of here to have time to think about it.  I backed away from the stable manager.
    “All very fascinating, Hearde, but little enough to do with me, I’m afraid.”  Liar.  “I should be on my way before the afternoon gets much later.”
    “Naturally.  Forgive me for keeping you from your plans,” he groveled meekly.  “I’ll see to having a horse brought for you.  How long will you expect to be gone?”
    “I’ll be visiting a cousin in Allin,” I said, naming a small town a good half-day ride away.  “And likely won’t return for a day or two.”
    “Very good.  I’ll see to the arrangements.”
    Hearde scurried away, leaving me waiting conspicuously in the corridor.  As I waited for the promised horse to appear, I thought of the lies I’d just told.  When had I started doing that so easily?  Before living with Danethar, I rarely lied about anything, and even during, mostly I’d only done it to hide the reality of what he was doing to me.  But this…I had no real reason to lie to Hearde.  I could have easily told him the truth and it would have made no difference.  So why hadn’t I?
    No time to contemplate that; a groom was leading a dapple-grey mare to me.  She appeared to be in good spirits, ears pricked forward and a spring in her step.  I was glad not to have gotten one of the less lively mounts usually reserved for novice or timid riders, in no mood to spend the day prodding the horse at every turn to get moving.
    “Here we are, miss,” the boy said as he handed me the reins.  “Her name’s Isabel and she’s all yours for as long as you need her.  The pack on the saddle is filled with grains and supplies in case you need them on the journey.”
    “My thanks,” I replied with a smile.  “I’ll be sure to bring her back safe and sound.”
    “Yes, miss.”  He bowed and departed, off to begin his next task.
    I tugged gently on the reins and Isabel followed me out of the stable.  Once out in the courtyard, I checked the girth, adjusted the stirrups and hoisted myself aboard.  Thank the gods I’d not been wearing a dress, or I might have had to ride side-saddle.  Other ladies might have learned the trick of it, but I always felt I was going to topple off backwards.  Riding astride was much more comfortable.  I gave the horse an encouraging squeeze on her flanks and we trotted off to the city gates.  With any luck, I’d be clear of Asgard in no time.

    “What do you mean [Y/n]’s gone,” Thor demanded when Sif finished.  “She was just here this morning.  She can’t be gone.”
    “I’m telling you, Heimdall saw her ride away from the city less than ten minutes ago.  Her horse took off at a dead run once she was clear of the gates.”
    “But why?”
    “How the Hel should I know?”
    “Didn’t Heimdall give any clues about what precipitated her to take such action?”
    “No.  He told me she’d gone and said I’d better find you or your brother right away.”
    Thor ran a hand through his hair, trying to get a handle on the situation.  What in the Hel was he supposed to do?  [Y/n] wasn’t forbidden to leave the city, so he couldn’t dispatch a troupe of warriors to bring her back.  As for Loki, he was pretty sure he knew where to find him, but getting all the way to the library from the barracks would take time.  Time he wasn’t sure they had.  Not to mention that he did not look forward to telling his brother that [Y/n] fled the city- no matter the reason why.
    “All right, Sif, thanks for the report.  I’ll sort out what to do about it.”
    And Thor was about to do just that when he spotted Loki crossing the yard.  His mood was far less cheerful than it had been this morning, teetering on the edge of furious and worried at the same time.  Well, looks like I won’t be surprising him with anything he doesn’t already know, he said to himself.  Sif waited next to him as Loki approached.
    “You’d better go.  He looks riled, and I wouldn’t want you to take the brunt of it.”
    “Are you kidding?  I’m not going anywhere, Thor.  I want to see what he’ll do.  Especially after our conversation this morning.”
    “Conversation about what?  What did you say to him, Sif?”
    She only smiled.  Thor couldn’t repeat his question, since Loki had already arrived, so he shot her a dark glare that promised they’d finish this later.  Hardly worried about it, she looked as amused as before.  He turned his attention back to his brother.
    “So I guess you’ve heard,” he said.  “I suppose you have a plan?”
    “A plan about what?  What are you talking about?”
    “About [Y/n], of course.  She up and took a horse from the stables, rode out of Asgard minutes ago from what Heimdall says.  Sif was just telling me about it.”  He heard Loki swear under his breath.  “You didn’t know, did you?”
    “She left the garden in a hurry- but I didn’t think she’d go beyond the gates.”
    “Do you at least know why she’d try to leave so suddenly?”
    “She knows who ‘Ilsa’ is,” Loki answered simply.  “She had the gate to Micharea open when I came to see her.  Only took a minute for her to put the pieces together.  You can imagine, she did not react well once she did.”
    “So what now?”
    “What do you think?  I’m going after her.”
    Thor darted a look to Sif, surprised that Loki would be so blunt in front of someone else.  The female warrior seemed less surprised.  He had a good idea now what she’d already discussed with his brother during their ‘conversation’.  Heimdall had told him she’d been pestering him with questions about Loki and [Y/n]; she must have finally worked up the nerve to ask Loki about it herself.  His brother must not have been able to escape giving her an honest answer.  All that didn’t change the fact that he felt it his duty to warn Loki against doing something too rash.
    “Are you sure that’s wise?  Father let you out of Asgard to deal with Danethar, but I’m not sure he’ll be so understanding a second time.”
    “If you’re so worried about Odin, then you go tell him.  I don’t have time to seek his permission if I’ve any chance at catching up with her.”
    With that, he was already turning on his heel towards the main stables.  Nothing I say is going to stop him, either, Thor thought sourly.  And Sif wasn’t helping, either.  She called out loudly to Loki’s retreating back.
    “South gate, Jotun!  You’d better bring her back, too!”
    He elbowed her in the side.
    “Why are you encouraging him to do something so reckless?”
    “Because he loves her and she loves him and I want to see what happens when they both figure that out.”
    Thor thought perhaps he’d misheard her for a moment.  “Say that again?”
    “What?  I thought you of all of us knew how Loki felt about [Y/n] a long time ago.”
    “Not that part- the other thing you said.  About [Y/n].”
    “That she’s in love with your brother?”
    “Yes.  That.  How do you know that?”
    Sif rolled her eyes at him.
    “Must be something defective about your whole gender.  Don’t you have eyes?  Even the densest person could have seen the way [Y/n] kept looking at him the other day in the training yard.”
    “I didn’t even notice she looked at him at all.”
    “Because you weren’t paying attention, I’ll bet.  Too busy watching the matches- which you could have seen any day.  But observing [Y/n] isn’t quite so common an opportunity.  You should have taken the chance when you got one.”
    Apparently, he should have.  Maybe if he’d noticed, he could have been of more use to Loki, since he was damned sure his brother hadn’t noticed, either.  Then again, he couldn’t be sure that Sif wasn’t seeing things that weren’t really there.  Better not to give Loki false hope.  She could tell that Loki was interested in [Y/n], though, he reminded himself.
    “Why are you telling me this,” he asked irritably.  “You said you spoke with my brother this morning.  Why didn’t you just tell him?”
    “Because I got my ass kicked by [Y/n] once and that’s when she wasn’t angry.  I have no interest in finding out what she’d be capable of if I told her secret to Loki without her permission.  And I can tell you right now, if I ask her for it, she won’t admit to liking him in the first place, much less tell me I can go blab it to him.”
    “So I shouldn’t tell him, either.”
    “Oh Hel no.”
    “Then I repeat my question -why in the name of the Allfather did you tell me?”
    “Because you asked why I was helping him,” she answered simply before grinning at him wickedly.  “Plus, misery loves company, and I figured if I couldn’t say anything, I’d share that frustration with someone else.”
    “What a rotten thing to do to a person.  You’re mean, Sif.”
    “Took your mind off what to do about Loki riding out of Asgard, didn’t it?”
    It had.  Only now that she mentioned it, that worry had returned.  He had to do something- tell someone.  But he didn’t want to unnecessarily alarm Odin and cause the trouble he was trying to avoid.  The way he saw it, unless Heimdall informed his father that Loki left the city, he likely wouldn’t notice.  Or at least so long as his brother returned before dinner.  I’ll let this go until then.  If he’s not back at nightfall, I’ll broach the situation with the Allfather.  Loki, you damn well better return before I have to give that report.
    “Yeah,” he answered Sif at last.  “Now what’s say we find something else to keep us both distracted for the rest of the afternoon?  And not a damned word of this- any of this to anyone.”
    “You sound just as bad as Heimdall.”
    “I’m serious, Sif.”
    “Okay, okay.  Not a word.”  She clapped him on the shoulder.  “Let’s go see what trouble we can scare up while we wait for him to bring [Y/n] back.”

    Loki arrived in the stables in no mood to deal with its proprietor or his incessant chatter.  Hearde seemed not to notice, preoccupied with his ideas of what he should be doing to pay attention to Loki’s questions.  He ground his molars and repeated himself for the third time.
    “The Lady [Y/n], Hearde.  Did she come to this stable and request a horse?”
    Finally, it dawned on the man that he was looking for very specific information, not his life story for the day.  Hearde paused, thinking, then shook his head.
    “I’m afraid I don’t recall seeing her. The only Lady who came in requesting a mount was a Lady…well, I guess I didn’t get her name, but she was hardly dressed as if she’d come from the palace.  I imagine she came from the warrior’s quarter, judging by the clothes.  You know how those types are.  Always favoring long pants and the like over gowns.”
    Oh for the love of…is the man truly that dense?
    “Did this one have [y/e/c] and [y/h/c],” he demanded quickly.  “It would have been braided.”
    “Why, yes, I think her features may have resembled the ones you describe.”
    He thought he might strangle the man for his stupidity.  For someone so concerned about his position and the caliber nobles who patronized the stable, Hearde was incredibly short-sighted.  How could he have dismissed someone because their clothes didn’t fit his own expectations?  Inexcusable.  And since he hadn’t, [Y/n] had been able to slip the city without anyone noticing.  If not for Heimdall’s vigilance, they wouldn’t even know she’d gone.  Loki’s temper flared when the thought about how narrow his margin of luck in finding her truly was.
    “That was Lady [Y/n].”
    “Gods of the Allfather,” the man exclaimed.  “I had no idea.  She must have thought me very rude not to recognize her.”  Probably was grateful, Loki thought darkly.  It would have spared her more of your fawning idiocy.  Hearde, meanwhile, continued with his concerns.  “And to think, she didn’t even say anything when I mentioned…”
    “Mentioned what?”
    Gone was Hearde’s accommodating, cloying demeanor.  Now he looked as though he might be ill.  That or piss himself in fear.  Loki dreaded to hear what he’d mentioned to [Y/n], but better to find out now than to be surprised by it later.
    “Hearde,” he repeated in a deadly whisper.  “What did you say to the Lady?”
    “I swear, my Prince, I didn’t know it was her when I said you and your brother had gone to Jotunheim to fetch Danethar.  She didn’t let on, and seemed interested in the subject.  Did find it odd she hadn’t heard- everyone has.  I thought perhaps she’d been out of the city at the time.  But even if she had, I thought at least she would have heard about the scoundrel’s final audience with the Allfather.”
    “You didn’t,” Loki interrupted him, heart sinking to the pit of his stomach.  “Don’t tell me you told her about that.”
    “I’m afraid I did.  But then the Lady quickly changed the subject and wanted to be on her way.”
    “I’ll deal with you about this later,” he threatened.  “But for right now, tell me anything the Lady might have said about where she was going.  Make no mistake- your life may depend on what you can relate.  And get me a damned horse while you’re at it.  A fast one.”
    The man let loose a constant stream of information, recalling any and everything he could remember of the exchange.  In the meantime, he ordered the grooms to saddle a horse for Loki.  By the time he’d finished, they’d brought it around.  Hearde assured him it was the swiftest in the whole stable.
    “It better be,” he muttered, snatching the reins.
    They left the stables and he swung aboard.  He cared little for the pedestrians and crowded streets, taking off as fast as he dared over the cobblestones in the direction Hearde said [Y/n] had gone.  It was consistent with what Sif had shouted to him, about Heimdall having seen her leave out of the South gate.  She had a good twenty minutes’ head start, but he could catch her if he hurried.  Hooves clattered on stone and passersby barely managed to duck out of his way.  Loki paid no attention to their irate shouts.  It paid off; he arrived at the gate in minutes.
    Arrived and raced past it without even stopping, more like.  Loki was through and gone before either of the guards standing watch could try to stop him.  Thor could deal with that, too.  He didn’t have time to argue with them about whether or not he was allowed out of the city.  And reminded of that fact, he urged his horse to pick up speed.  Stone had given way to a wide lane of carefully maintained loam.  The stallion broke into a full gallop.  Loki road low on its back, keeping an eye out for signs that [Y/n] might be up ahead.
    Fortunate for him, this road didn’t branch off for at least twenty miles.  The mare [Y/n] was riding wouldn’t get that far before needing a rest, and that’s if she was pushing the horse to its limits.  Thor hadn’t been that specific about the speed of her flight from the city.  Probably should have asked before I left.  Would just have to hope that even if she had started off at full speed, it was only temporary.  Really hoped.  Regardless, unless she left the road for the open country, he couldn’t miss her.  Sure enough, they’d only gone about five miles when he saw a lone rider ahead.  He charged forward before reining in his horse just as they pulled up beside her.
    “Well, I’d ask if you had any idea how much trouble you’d be in for leaving Asgard,” [Y/n] said with a slight cough as the dust settled.  “But I’m pretty sure you don’t care.”
    “I told Thor that was his problem.  I figured I had more important things to worry about.”
    “I’ll say.  Like explaining what in the Hel made you think you could just drop into my life pretending to be someone else- a woman, I might add.  Just what did you think you were doing?  And now that I’m back in the palace, not only do you not own up to it- which I would have expected someone who said they were my friend to have done- but you kept up the charade.  Gods, no wonder no one was willing to tell me what happened to ‘Ilsa’.”
    There was the anger he’d been expecting to hear the whole time.  Even the horses picked up on the fury in her tone, their ears twitching nervously.  That’s okay, Loki told himself in spite of cringing at the emphasis [Y/n] had put on the word ‘friend’.  Anger is good.  Anger he could work with; that crushed, horrified look she’d given him in the garden wouldn’t have been so easy.
    “I understand you’re upset- and you have every right to be.  My explanation likely won’t change that, either, but will you give me the opportunity to make one?”
    [Y/n] regarded him through narrowed eyes and said nothing at first.  In the silence, he could feel his horse’s heavy breathing from their reckless dash across Asgard.  She must have noticed, too.  Gathering her reins, she looked left and right of the road.  He didn’t ask what she was doing as she maneuvered her mount around his. With a nod, she pointed out a copse of young birch trees in a grassy meadow.
    “Over there.  Might as well let the horses rest while you do it, because I have a feeling it’ll take a while.”
    They dismounted and removed their bridles and saddles.  Loki used a thimbleful of his power to create a barrier to let the horses graze without allowing them to roam too far.  [Y/n] sat cross-legged under the trees and waited.  Loki joined her, though somewhat more awkwardly.  He wasn’t sure if it had to do with the uneven ground or having to look her directly in the eyes.  Likely a bit of both.
    “First question,” she began in a tone that only added to his nervousness.  “That first day ‘Ilsa’ turned up again in the palace gardens.  I asked why she’d come to Danethar’s home.  How much of what you told me then was true?”
    Loki was surprised at her choice for opening the discussion.  Surprised and somewhat worried, but he couldn’t back out of this now.  
    “Most of it- the parts that were important, anyway.  You asked for an honest answer, and I gave one as best as I could.”  
    “And what didn’t you tell me about why you were there?”  From a very easy question to something far more difficult.  “I wasn’t stupid, you know.  I knew I hadn’t heard everything.”
    She was going to like hearing that part about as much as he liked telling it.  Then again, Loki had come all this way with no illusions he was going to enjoy anything about this conversation.  He folded his hands in his lap and prayed for the courage to get through this.  Just tell her the bare facts and let [Y/n] judge what to make of them.
    “I went there for Danethar.  It’s true what I said before.  I felt the Allfather had unduly rewarded him for the battle against the Dark Elves.  What I couldn’t say then was that I had a plan to rob him of what he’d been given if I could.  Everything that mattered to him.  His house, his fine possessions…his wife.”  [Y/n]’s eyebrows rose considerably, but she said nothing and Loki continued on.  “Only I got there and realized very quickly something very wrong was going on in that house, and that I would have to abandon any plans I’d made.”
    “I suppose you couldn’t steal what he didn’t want, could you,” she supplied with a deprecating laugh.  “And yet you stayed, anyway.”
    “As you’ve said a few times, I don’t give up so easily when I want something.  And I wanted Danethar destroyed.  So I changed tactics.  The new plan was to destroy his reputation in Asgard and see him publicly humiliated.  The Allfather would take back his title, possessions and any honors given him once he found out what Danethar was truly like.”  So I’d thought, anyway, he added silently to himself.  Aloud, he merely said, “To do that, I needed a reason to stick close to the house, so I kept the disguise as ‘Ilsa’.”
    [Y/n]’s expression gave him no indication what she thought of his confession.  To his own ears, it sounded bad.  To hers, Loki could only guess it was ten times worse.  Then she spoke.
    “So I was a chess piece on a playing board.  A strategic weapon you could use against him.”
    “It started out that way,” Loki admitted, trying to avoid the painful accusation in her eyes.  “I’ve played similar games before, and I thought at first that I wouldn’t have any trouble doing it again.  I was so very, very wrong, [Y/n].  From your perspective, I know this likely sounds lacking in any merit, but I honestly didn’t know what to do.  I’ve never been the one who does the ‘right thing’, and it took me longer than I’d like to admit to figure out what the ‘right thing’ even was.  My first few tries certainly didn’t work out so well- especially not for you.”
    [Y/n] said nothing, still no discernable expression on her face.
    “I won’t ask you to forgive me, [Y/n].  But if it means anything to you, ‘Ilsa’ was your friend.  As much as I was capable of being anyone’s friend in those days.  I’d like to hope that since then I’ve gotten better at it, even if you no longer consider me among yours.”
    Silence stretched between them.  Loki didn’t know what- if anything- else he should say to her. He could only wait in agony as she considered his explanation, and what she would do about it.  When ten or fifteen minutes passed with no response, Loki almost considered going back to Asgard.  Obviously, [Y/n] was not happy with him for his misdemeanors.  Perhaps the best thing to do would be to leave her alone.  Before he could make himself move, she asked him another question.
    “Were you ever planning to tell me ‘Ilsa’ was really you?  Or were you hoping to keep up that double life ad infinitum?”
    “I always meant to tell you.  I could never find the right words or the right time.  However it began, you’re the first friend I ever made, and I was reluctant to say anything to ruin it.  You can see how I’d think this particular truth would do just that.  So I kept putting it off- even when I knew it was only getting harder.”
    [Y/n] furrowed her brow, as if concentrating on something.
    “What are you thinking, [Y/n],” he dared ask.
    “I was just realizing that you almost did tell me at least twice before.  Maybe not in so many words, but I remember that time in Karin’s shop.  ‘Ilsa’ gave me a look and I almost recalled where I’d seen it before, but then she came back and it slipped away from me.”
    “I remember that, too.  I thought for sure I was caught that day.”
    “And then during our argument about the gates,” [Y/n] continued slowly.  “You said you saw them ‘weeks ago’ and that they didn’t interest you ‘anymore’.  I was too angry at the time to realize what you’d said or what it meant.  Didn’t dawn on me until just now, actually.”
    It hadn’t dawned on him, either.  Loki barely remembered having said any of that, but in the heat of that argument, he hadn’t really been in control of much of anything he’d shouted at her.  He couldn’t decide if he was relieved or sorry that neither of them paid attention to his oversight in the weeks since.
    “You were telling the truth then, weren’t you?  Initially, you did want to use my gates to leave Asgard.”
    “I believed I did.  I told myself I did often enough that’s why I was spending more time with you than I really needed to if all I wanted to do was destroy Danethar.”
    “But at some point that stopped being true.”
    “Yes, it did.”
    Loki held his breath, waiting for her to ask the next logical question.  Naturally, he knew she would want to know what made him change his mind, and he would have to tell her.  Would she believe him when he finally admitted to her how he felt?  Of the possible outcomes he could imagine, that could possibly be the worst.  Gods, he’d never been so terrified in his life- except perhaps when he thought Danethar had taken her from him forever.  
    “I gather all of this has not been comfortable for you,” she said, abruptly changing the course of their conversation.  
    Loki wasn’t sure he was glad of the reprieve, almost wishing that she’d forced him to make an end of all his secret keeping.  But he couldn’t make himself shift the topic back to what still remained unsaid.  One of these days I swear I’ll overcome my cowardice and tell her.  Not today, it would seem.
    “No, it hasn’t been.”
    “Good,” [Y/n] answered with a slight nod.  “Because you’re not the only one.  At least now we’re on even ground.”
    “Even…ground?”
    “Do you, or do you not, want to remain friends?”
    “Do.  Absolutely do,” he replied quickly, even though he was thoroughly perplexed at where she was going with this.
    “We’re going to need some ground rules, then, or it’s not going to work.  We’ll start with the biggest.  Ilsa’ saw and heard things that I need you to pretend you don’t know.”  He was about to say something when she held up her hand.  “I mean it.  Just pretend all that never happened.”
    “You do realize that pretending won’t change the fact that I do know.  I might have called myself by a different name, but it was still me.”
    “But at least then you were…” she hesitated.
    “Were what?”
    “Female,” she mumbled reluctantly.  “Having ‘Ilsa’ present for all that with Danethar was embarrassing enough, but at least I thought she was a woman.  I could deal with it.  But then to find out…” [Y/n] covered her face with her hands.  “Just thinking about what you saw…I’m mortified.  That first day.  I…there in my room…and you were standing right there.”
    [Y/n] did look thoroughly distraught, mirroring of how she’d looked in the garden an hour or so ago.  Now Loki knew what had been going through her mind, and why she’d fled so quickly.  He’d been so focused on how [Y/n] would react to the lie itself that he hadn’t considered the complications of a gender issue.  And while he didn’t think her solution to the problem was going to work, he wanted to do something to make this less distressing for her.
    “[Y/n], please try to understand.  It makes no difference regarding what I saw in that house, or how I reacted.”
    “You saw me naked!” she shouted loud enough to startle the horses.  Startled him, too, point of fact.
    “Okay, yes, I did, but…”
    “Not in the ‘how dare you walk into my bathroom uninvited’ kind of way…well, I suppose that way, too, if I want to be technical.  But that’s not the way I mean.  You saw me- what I looked like- after he…” [Y/n] sucked in a breath to cut off what she couldn’t bring herself to say.  Loki couldn’t respond, finding no words to ease the pain of those memories.  She shook her head at him and covered her eyes.  “Please…I can’t endure that look.  That look that says ‘I know how badly he hurt you’.  Not now when everything is so…recent.”
    “I do know.  Just like I know you’re not doing as well as you pretend in front of everyone else.  Pretending nothing is wrong isn’t going to fix it, [Y/n].”
    “You talk as though fixing what’s wrong with me is possible.  What if it’s not?  Because you’re right- I’m putting on an act for everyone.  In reality, I’m forever a half-step away from drowning in how much I’m not okay, waiting for that one final thing that will drag me under entirely.  I’ve had weeks to think on it, and lately, I’m starting to think that feeling is never going away.”
    Okay, that went one step too far.  Loki’s intention had been to encourage [Y/n] to think beyond the temptation to cover things up, not push her into giving up altogether.  He tried again.
    “It’s not that hopeless.  Don’t write off an entire lifetime because you haven’t been encouraged by the past month.  Give it time.”
    [Y/n] sighed as she drew her hands away from her face and leaned back against the trunk of a birch tree, staring up at the rustling leaves.  For several minutes, that’s all she did.
    “This is another one of those times when you’re going to be stubborn about getting your way, isn’t it?”
    “If I say yes, will I win the debate?”
    “More than likely.”
    “Then yes, it is.”